Monday, August 24, 2009

Sadness Comes Calling

Last night was a sad night again just for a bit before sleep over took me. I still miss my Dad and find myself consumed in a measure with might have beens, should have dones. My Grandmother told me something that a friend had told her in those first days when you feel like grief might consume you. Her friend said that it takes a year. A full round of all of the days and nights, and seasons and holidays and gatherings. Then the sadness starts to ebb or at least it visits less frequently.

So I guess I can plan on sadness coming for a visit on occasion in the days and months to come.

Partial list of might of beens should have dones.

-I wish that I had pulled myself together and visited my dad at Christmas in 2007.
-I wish I had gone up to see him more often in Salt Lake. Before he moved down to Provo.
-I wish I had taken him some fresh peaches in the summer of 2008.
-I wish I had taken him some radishes from my garden in 2009.
-I wish that my heart hadn't on occasion felt so bound up and complicated up in it's own kind of heart sickness. All the while he was battling real heart sickness.
-I wish I had gone to visit him on Saturday instead of deciding that Sunday Father's Day would be better.

Partial list of things that I am glad that happened.

-I'm glad I got to visit him a lot once he moved down to Provo.
-I'm glad he got so much better. That he essentially got "well" from the major thing that put him in the hospital in the first place.
-I'm glad I was able to facilitate him buying two guitars to play right before he died. His last days were filled with music of his making electric and acoustic.
-I'm glad that I and one of my brothers and his kids were able to help him move out of the hospital. He was so happy that day.
-I'm glad I got to take him apples. Lots of apples. Just not Red Delicious "because they are not delicious". Gala, Granny Smith, Pink Lady, Braeburn, Golden Delicious, Fuji.
-I'm glad that one of his grandchildren was able to play for him on the guitar. That he could see that gift, one of his many gifts, had been passed on.
-I'm glad that he was filled with hope for the future when he slipped away. Just didn't know that it was going feel so far away.
-I'm glad that he was my Dad.

My next post will be a collection of pictures that my sister-in-law compiled. They are amazing to me. Then perhaps I can move on a little bit to other things.